Christmas Eve 1996, we had a fabulous dinner. All that delicious food feels so good between family and friends. It is a wonderful time indeed. Everybody is happy, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. I am so happy to be still alive. In spite of it all, I feel grateful. I may not be able to move and speak like the rest of the clan yet I can be happy. Laugh and enjoy this moment just as much or even more.
Nevertheless, even though at that moment I was so happy on the outside, melancholy was overshadowing the jubilant evening for me. A feeling of loneliness was growing inside of me.
Everyone had a partner. A loved one whom which they have planted a dream and planned a future. I was coupled to a chair. Not just for the evening but for the rest of my living days.
The forecast for a completely paralyzed woman is; she is never going to be alone, yet she is going to be forever lonely. Who would look at a woman that cannot do anything for herself? Who would want to be married to a woman that cannot do anything, nothing at all for them?
The worst part of depression was the feeling of loneliness. Like a smooth killer, it was suffocating me every day little by little.
Through my worst of times there would always be friends dropping in. They come to visit, and share their lives with me. It was so nice when they did; it made me feel alive. I was happy, yet it was not all good emotions passing through my veins.
When they would tell about their partners, boyfriends or husbands, a sweet and sour would flow into my heart. The thought that I would never have that felt like a needle penetrating my eyes.
My body would react to the combined emotion of happiness and sadness at the same time. Tears would run out of my eyes. From one eye tears of joy from the other tears of sorrow.
The very worst moments were when friends would tell that they are pregnant. That was the moment when loneliness would strike like a rusted blade through my heart. In my mind, I was elated but at the same time my heart felt like it was disintegrating because I would never have that everlasting love in my life.
My psyche was disarranged. My thoughts and emotions were all messed up. Already in deep depression and with loneliness whispering in my ears like it was my best friend while it was strangling me slowly.
The saying goes; “what does not kill you, makes you stronger”. The assassin team of depression and loneliness did not manage to kill me. With time, I got stronger. I do not know how and when exactly I managed to kiss depression goodbye. I could not get rid of loneliness completely. Nevertheless, I managed to put it to sit in a corner and watch me make my life a good one.
As life went by, I managed to find unconditional love. I had the chance to share with my friends about my partner and our plans for the future. There are no more reasons for bittersweet feelings.
I guess it is natural for a woman that cannot move nor speak that some loneliness will always be there with her. Sometimes loneliness tries to get out of that corner, and it stares me in the eyes. I stare back right away until it back downs and returns to the corner where I keep it.
The truth is that it is good that loneliness remained in my life. It reminds me of how lucky I am to have someone special in my life. It makes me value love.