At the time, nobody realized that anything dramatic had happened that night. My last words on the examination table were ‘Mom, I am not paralyzed, I just do not have the energy right now’. I did not speak a word after that. Gradually all movement stopped. The last movement was in her left hand.
I remember it all: the long night in the Out-Patient corridor. The cold metal instruments the doctor used to prick the soles of my feet testing my feelings and reflexes. Gradually all voluntary muscles stopped responding. I couldn’t talk. I was conscious; I knew that my brain still functioned. My lungs and heart worked even though something serious had happened to my brain.
My condition was still serious and they moved me to the Intensive Care Unit. The level of consciousness decreased; I was unable to answer questions. My limbs became stiff. More examinations. The doctors said that judging by my reflexes; they were not talking about a serious stroke. But what were they talking about?
I had completely lost all abilities for movement and speech. One of my eyelids moved slightly. I was more helpless than a new-born baby. Mom was begging for help; she felt that I understood everything. However, I had no way to tell this to others.
The rest is history.
Right after the stroke dreams provided me with a clarity I did not have during the waking hours. In my dreams, emotions poured out with exaggeration; I understood what my real feelings were. Dreams full of action compensated the dull and hazy everyday life. I started to live in a higher quality and much more exciting life where I could still participate in. In dreams I was always, ALWAYS healthy. Still am. I still remember very clearly one dream right after the stroke where I was dancing a complicated choreography in a music video. I guess I had that dream because then living without being able to dance was so very difficult.
After post drama depression I accepted my new reality and learned to live my life as a person without movement and speech. Denial, traumas and other excuses for not living sounded tempting, but they were never an option. Hope was not existing. Nevertheless, faith had no boundaries.
The mind is a powerful thing and in your mind you always have a choice even when physically you do not. I said before that people tend to see, hear and believe what they want to. Well, people should also do what they want to do (of course, only if it is good).
A mistake only becomes a mistake if you do not learn from what has happened and do not make the best of the result.
No sense in regrets. We have to move on. Learn from the lessons we gather as we travel down the path of life.
From generations to generations we passed the knowledge that we collected from our experiences. The school does the basic education. But that is much to learn from life that school cannot teach. We all have to contribute to the passing down knowledge and wisdom to the next generation.
That is what I want to do with lessons of life I have learned since that tragic night. Lessons of prevention and recuperation, but mostly about continuing living when there may seem to be no reason to continue living.